I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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