the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
