Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
