what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
