My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
