Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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