and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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