You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
