The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize