If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
