She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
