Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
