Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
