got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
