There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
