He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
