i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
