I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
