I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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