I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
