and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
