im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
