It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
