good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
