I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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