got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
