I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
