I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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