barbara walters just said penis...
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
