peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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