weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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