dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
