dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize