2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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