Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
it's like iHOP with fire
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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