I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the day after is always just damage control
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
