Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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