I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize