Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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