is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
