were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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