Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize