i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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