we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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