Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
