She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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