1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Randomize
