I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
