I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
