You work out of a Hotel?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
