I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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