Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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