I think scott just propositioned me for sex
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize