You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
