If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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