I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
